THRUSH

WARNING: THIS IS A POST ABOUT NURSING AND CONTAINS
SOME GRAPHIC DETAILS...THERE MAY BE SOME OF YOU
WHO WOULD RATHER NOT READ THIS.

I hesitated to do this post because it is very personal and makes me feel pretty vulnerable. But I think it's important to document real life...even the hard stuff.

Thrush is a bad word at our house. It brings on a lot of emotions...I think because it represents a little piece of failure for me.

And I'm not even sure that's what has been plaguing Norah and my nursing relationship. That's what the Lactation Consultants think it is...well after we had Norah's tongue clipped (they suspected she was tongue tied). But we have tried everything...EVERYTHING and the pain is still here.

It started with the usual soreness/bleeding that I was prepared for. I talked with a Lactation Consultant in the hospital who showed me how to latch her on better. That seemed to help a little bit but the pain just seemed to get worse...especially in between feedings. I endured for a couple of weeks thinking I just needed to toughen up. It was bearable since my Mom was here and I could really just focus on Norah and nursing. I was able to go to another Lactation Consultant who said it was probably Thrush or again that she was tongue tied. She gave me all kinds of things to do for thrush. I left feeling completely overwhelmed and annoyed but determined. Annoyed because I felt like this lady wasn't understanding my reality at all. She lived in a land where there is time to spend an hour at each feeding stripping both myself and my baby to do skin to skin contact and that putting purple dye all over myself and in my babies mouth would be a cute, fun memory. I don't live in that land..sorry. I took all of the information she had and went from there.

I got online and read all about the pro's and con's of getting a baby's tongue clipped and found that it really isn't a big deal. We decided that before we tried all of the Thrush remedies to rule out the tongue tied theory and get her clipped. It was a very simple procedure. She was asleep when the Dr. did it and didn't even wake up...it was seriously not a big deal. I was relieved. I was excited too because I hoped this would be the answer. Sadly, it wasn't.

So we went on to the Thrush theory. We started out with Gentian Violet (nasty, nasty stuff) for three days...no relief, just purple everywhere. Next I did grapefruit seed extract with acidopholis pills for about five days (actually still taking these). Nothing. Then I had my doctor call in a prescription for Nystatin cream and medicine for me and Norah. Nope. In fact it made my nipples more dry and sensitive. At this point I had blisters and a few boils on my nipples...one on the tip of one of my nipples that hurt so bad just brushing against it brought tears to my eyes (sorry for that mental picture). I dreaded feeding Norah because the pain was so overwhelming.

One night I was alone (Jeff was at Scouts) and so completely exhausted and in so much pain (c-section, UTI and thrush) that I gave in and made Norah a bottle of formula (we had some in the cupboard left over from the girls). I felt like a failure but at the same time felt so relieved that I didn't have to go through the pain of feeding her. I actually focused on her instead of on her latch. I nursed her a few hours later and throughout the night.

Then I thought that maybe if I could just pump a few times a day instead of nurse, it would give my chest a break. I did this throughout the weekend when Jeff was at home keeping the girls away from me and all of the wires and tubes that accompany a breast pump...but when Monday came...I knew that wasn't going to work. I was still in pain (I found out later that the flange thingy's were too small. Is this where the writer of The Princess Bride came up with the torture machine in the "Pit of Despair"?... seriously, these machines are strikingly similar).

Laurel and Maisy needed a Mom...not a fixture on the couch that begs them to stay away (they were both working on molars and really needed me to be a "there" mom). I nursed her again the next morning...and it was another very painful session. I think that was the breaking point. I decided that I would have to quit. Just quit. I just couldn't spend all of my waking hours doing this. I have two other baby's that need me too and poor Norah just needs to be able to eat in peace...not always having to re-latch if I'm in pain. Also, I was starting to completely dread her waking up and wanting food...no good.

So I quit cold turkey that day...and all I have to say is that I will NEVER do that again. Major engorgement pain that couldn't even be touched with the strongest ibuprofen from the hospital for my c-section. That lasted about four long days.

I didn't nurse at all for about a week. I was so sad and emotional about it. I missed the closeness I felt even though it was painful...It truly was sacred at times. I went through mourning I think. I felt like a quitter.

But I didn't feel torn. I was able to be on the floor with Laurel and Maisy and they could even help me feed Norah. Jeff told me that he liked it that he could feed Norah too. He missed the closeness he had felt with the girls when he helped with feeding them. I liked it that I could actually sleep for more than two hours at a time.

Our family life definitely has improved because of this decision. But the words "Breast is Best" still ring in my ears...even though I have two healthy, happy girls that were mostly on formula from day one...I still have it in that back of my mind that I have failed in some way...that I didn't finish the marathon. I know with my mind that it is ridiculous.

My beloved cousin Olivia has listened to all of this ranting. She said the other day, "Don't you think it is Satan saying those things to you?" I know she is right. I need to stop doubting myself as a mother...I need to remember that I did what was best for the whole family. And really it has made our whole family so much happier. So I just have to remember that and focus on that.

Once I let go of the guilt, I am free to think of other things. At the beginning of last week I decided to build up my milk enough to be able to nurse Norah at least once or twice a day. This way we can still have that special time together before the girls wake up or after they are asleep. We have been doing this for about a week now and I am amazed that it is working! She latches right on and does really well. I am still a little sore but I have time to heal in between and it is so worth it to have that bonding time with Norah Jane. We'll see how long it lasts, but for right now it is really working for us.

I still have symptoms of thrush and Norah does too. We are off to see the Doctor tomorrow morning. Hopefully we can come up with some solutions...taking her off nursing for this period has helped...we'll see what happens.

Anyway, that's been our experience. I used to work in Reno for a place called Family to Family Connection. We'd have the La Leche League come and teach about the importance of breastfeeding. I vowed then that I would never give any of my children formula and that I would breastfeed each of them for at least a year. So far the longest I have gone is a month. It just goes to show you that you cannot judge others until you've walked in their shoes. Why have I had to learn that principle so many times?!


Here are some pictures of poor Norah looking like a little baby from Nightmare Before Christmas and NO Ms. Lactation Consultant, I don't think it's cute and NO it will not be a fun, happy memory...so THERE: